I confronted my parents on a blatant alcohol enabling/addiction dynamic after getting inadvertently cornered with this as a child and again as recent adult. “What drinking” was the response. So I pushed back harder. Poppa’s response said it all: “Mizz, we are not your enemy. You are not allowed to be mad at us”.

It’s dangerous territory anytime someone else tries to dictate the emotions you feel, dismissing them heartbreakingly negated. It’s also classic denial, sprinkled with a touch of narcissism. Combine this statement with “You’re too mean to speak to, we will not tolerate this criticism against us” stance and notice what gets effectively accomplished:

  • It excuses them from any/all inclusion emotionally and financially (diversion).
  • It dismisses/belittles my emotions and feelings entirely (minimizing)
  • It excuses them from answering difficult questions (evasion).
  • It excuses them from acknowledging the hurt they caused for years (denial/accountability)
  • It allows them to avoid any action or response, verbal having to address enabling/addiction/sobriety (inaction).

By making me the irate enemy whose feelings and emotions are inappropriately “wrong” (we are not your enemy), they get to walk away Scott-free twirling their denial cane all while calling me crazy. I threatened their delusion and denial. And they ousted me for it, humiliatingly.

I went to my family crying and begging over concerns plaguing it for decades. Notice Poppa Bear’s response single handedly represents the entire dilemma, specifically in regard to how accountability gets evaded entirely while victimizing themselves. You see, I had a lot of substance to openly state and valid concerns to be upset over. Hurt they inflicted over years without my choice, persistent to this very day, never once addressing these openly or directly. Things as simple as family addiction and basic mental health.

This alone represents a broken faulty approach. If someone is upset with you or things you’ve done, you simply don’t get to tell this person how they or wrong or how they are “supposed” to feel. Rather than acknowledge my pain and use it as an opportunity to connect family and confront issues direct, they expertly evaded the issue entirely in denial, writing me off too crazy to even correspond with. Deeming my lowly “rabbit holes” beneath them. Completely dismissing my existence all while conveniently dodging failures.

Funny thing, they quickly respond to any acknowledgment of my failures previously made, ready to agree wholeheartledy in their own defense. As if three people can’t be wrong at once. Alas, denial doesn’t exist without reflection; I have become their literal scapegoat.

They can ignore me all day and night. They can steal my gun. But they cannot take my feelings away from me or silence me. And this is where they lost me. Shame on them for trying.

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